Another let down, another feeling of failure

Well, it's cycle day 3 today. I obviously didn't become pregnant last cycle, I tried everything under the sun and still got a negative test. For some reason this past cycle I thought for sure I conceived , I thought I had every symptom of pregnancy but in the end dear ol aunt flow came to visit. Now we won't be able to try again until jan, I am having another surgery dec 2nd where they are going to remove my left tube and clean out all the endometriosis. In jan we are going to do another round of clomid and IUI, praying it works this time! As hard is it is to think that we can't try again before surgery it's sort of nice to be able to just relax and not worrying about doing the BD at time of surge...it really does feel like having a second job when you struggle with infertility. There is so much involved, takes so much time planning and is emotionally draining. I will have this month to relax, gather my thoughts and be prepared for our round of IUI in Jan. pleases keep us in you prayers, we want this more than anything!


God bless

Almost time to start trying...AGAIN!!

Here we are again, CD10 almost time to start OPK's. Last month things were a little weird, I was feeling really different during my 2ww period. Aunt flow was a few days but we were back home in PA that I never thought to test. One morning I woke up with pain and cramps that I have never had with my period which lasted a few hours, suddenly I passed this mass then I finally had relief! I'm not sure if it was a miscarriage but it did feel similar to the one I had before :( Needless to say, here I am again trying all the tricks and tips I have received from other ladies TTC. I have been using the instead cups, Robitussin, pineapple and now this month I am adding the Pre-seed! From the first day I found out I was having trouble conceiving my husband and I decided that we would not let this affect out marriage. I am now feeling so very bad that I am not able to give him his very own child, it's becoming very stressful but we are working through it and he tells me that no matter what he will always love me! It's so hard to believe that my son will be 11 in  19 days ahhhhhhh where did the time go?! It feels like just yesterday that I was getting up for feedings, changing those diapers and just seeing/hearing his laugh made my heart smile! I will never give up hope of having another baby but if it doesn't happen I will always have my amazing son whom is my life, he will always be my little baby in my eyes! Sunday is the day to start trying again, I'm pretty excited...I am going to have positive thoughts this entire month (even when I feel like giving up)! So we shall see if this is our month **fingers crossed** and prayers!


Mommy in waiting!

It's that time of month....again

Here I am again, the point where I am ovulating, where I get my hopes up time and time again only to be let down when dear old aunt flow decides to show her ugly face! I sometimes find myself asking "what did I do wrong to deserve to not bear anymore of my own children"? I know God doesn't punish people but I just don't understand why sometimes =/ At this current time we are not doing treatments until after my surgery in Dec so I am solely relying on timing and trying some home "remedies". I thought for sure last month was going to be the month but of course it wasn't my time. About a week ago I think I was tested emotionally. I was on the mother baby unit at work and the minute I walked through the door I found myself short of breath and not sure I could take another step. I managed to walk up to the window on the way through the unit and looked in at the most precious little baby, she was just a few minutes old looking so sweet. I wanted to break down and cry but I kept my composure the entire time and told myself "Christina, you can't ever give up!" I know in my heart that it will happen, I just wish I knew when so I can stop having heart break after heart break every month. I want so bad to give my husband his very own bundle of joy, I want so bad to share that amazing gift from God with the man that I love so much! I know one day it will happen, I just wish that day was now :'(  

Can you really relax when you are struggling with infertility?

Here I am again, I thought I was content with my decision of putting off the surgery but I'm having all sorts of mixed emotions right now =/ I feel like the longer I hold off on trying to conceive the worse off I will be in the end. If I don't have the surgery my RE won't allow me to have an IUI seeing how there really is no point since it would just kill the sperm or egg anyway. When I was at my last appt my DR had asked me if I just wanted to have both tubes removed that way I could jump right to IVF, I looked at her and said "absolutely not!, I believe in God and he does work miracles" I guess if I don't have surgery this month then I will be starting the endometriosis diet along with using the instead cups. It's starting to really feel a little overwhelming but I know that I can get through this like I have everything else in life. Some people getting irritated with me always talking about my infertility, well unless you have experienced what I have in the past 3 years then you have NO clue what it feels like. To those of you who say don't loose faith, don't give up...trust me I never loose faith, every month I always have that one ounce of faith that perhaps I will see 2 lines but once only 1 line pops up I feel defeated. I know one day it will happen, I just wish my one day were now! God is great!

And....it's on hold once again

I am very sad that I have to put my fertility treatments on hold once again. The reasoning this time around is my choice but believe I am making the right one. I have trying to find a good job in this area since I moved here and now finally a fantastic opportunity has come my way and it's been a tough decision on what to do. I know I only have a short period of time before my husband deploys again to go through treatments but I think I made the right choice. I've been really upset not knowing what to do and my husband being so dear and sweet says " hunny, maybe you should pray about it". I did, and believe that everything will fall into place! I think I am going to go on lupron until my husband is back from deployment, hoping that will help with the spread of my ENDO and by then I will have enough time at my job that they will allow me time off for the surgery. I sure hope I'm making the right decision, I know everything will work out in the end!! God is great!!!

Back on the road to having our miracle!

Well...I guess it's been awhile since I last posted a blog since my husband was deployed we decided to take a little break from treatments. I took those 6 months to better my self and in that time I lost 45 pounds which I feel so much better physically and mentally. During our last visit in December the Dr said that I am going to have to have my left tube removed due to it being filled with toxic fluid, I will be seeing him again to have another ultra sound to double check it and then it's surgery time. This will make my 3rd surgery, I'm nervous but I am willing to do whatever it takes to have our little bundle of joy. I have many uneducated people tell me "it will happen when you least expect it" or the most annoying on "RELAX" grrrrr how much more relaxed can I get?? This has been an ongoing struggle for 3 years now and it has been very stressful, frustrating and depressing to say the least. When I was first diagnosed with stage 4 endo I couldn't stand seeing pregnant people let alone be in the same room with them. I have since moved past that point in my life, I was never mad at them for being preg I just always questioned "why me"? I know realize that God is in control and he will one day bless us with our baby it's only a matter of time. I'm so ready to start treatments again, I'm ready to give this 110% and ready to see that line that says we are pregnant. I don't think I have ever wanted something so bad than having a child with my husband, I want to give him the best gift ever and that would be our own child together. We have 2 more go's with IUI then it's off to IVF =/ So I guess it's back to the calendar, counting CD and then the injections etc It's all worth it to me, God id great and he knows how bad we want this!

2011 just might be an awesome year after all

Cd? ummm I'm not counting anymore! I'm done counting the days, I'm done wondering if that little cramp I just had is a sign of pregnancy, I'm done running to the bathroom every 5 min to see if AF came to visit...I'M DONE!!! I refuse to let infertility stress me out any longer, it can really mess with one's mind, cause depression and total withdraw from the world around you. I can't say that it's any easier to see babies or people that are pregnant,  I am very happy for those who are pregnant or have their new addition...it's a blessing either way! My husband is the best! he has kept me sane through all of this and is the best little nurse after all my surgeries :) needless to say, I never felt any pain for days after the surgery haha. He tells me all the time " hunny, it will happen God has this in his plan for us" He's so amazing, I have never met someone so understanding and positive as him! I will take this time while he's deployed to better myself by loosing weight and meditating. I go see the Dr. soon for a follow up and to schedule an appt for surgery to have my left tube removed. The Dr says this may increase our chances for our next 2 IUI's *fingers crossed* I am so lucky to have others who understand infertility and the struggles you face everyday, they know what it's like to feel let down every time your cycle starts again it really hurts ugh. Sometimes I hear of people saying "why does she complain about this all the time" or they think they can't talk to me anymore because they are pregnant and think it will hurt my feelings. Of course I talk about my infertility a lot, it's a part of me and I feel like I have the right to talk about how I feel. I don't say anything when I hear you talking about your kids all the time! As for feeling bad for me because your pregnant...hunny please! I never envy anyone, God has a plan for everyone and if it means me not having another baby then that's his plan. I do not sit around and dwell on what others have, so please do me a favor and not feel bad for me! I do not post these to my facebook for attention or pity, I do it to let others know the struggle I go through and what to do when one deals with infertility. Thanks to everyone who supports us, you all are a true blessing!

Thank you Lord for all the blessings in my life. Help me to remember them as I face the challenges of infertility. I pray that I can surrender myself into your hands. Let me accept the reality of this situation and have the wisdom and courage to take action where I can. Strengthen my body, mind and spirit to endure the trials of infertility. Keep me ever mindful of the needs of others and grant us your peace.
Amen!    Gob Bless