It's that time of month....again

Here I am again, the point where I am ovulating, where I get my hopes up time and time again only to be let down when dear old aunt flow decides to show her ugly face! I sometimes find myself asking "what did I do wrong to deserve to not bear anymore of my own children"? I know God doesn't punish people but I just don't understand why sometimes =/ At this current time we are not doing treatments until after my surgery in Dec so I am solely relying on timing and trying some home "remedies". I thought for sure last month was going to be the month but of course it wasn't my time. About a week ago I think I was tested emotionally. I was on the mother baby unit at work and the minute I walked through the door I found myself short of breath and not sure I could take another step. I managed to walk up to the window on the way through the unit and looked in at the most precious little baby, she was just a few minutes old looking so sweet. I wanted to break down and cry but I kept my composure the entire time and told myself "Christina, you can't ever give up!" I know in my heart that it will happen, I just wish I knew when so I can stop having heart break after heart break every month. I want so bad to give my husband his very own bundle of joy, I want so bad to share that amazing gift from God with the man that I love so much! I know one day it will happen, I just wish that day was now :'(  

Can you really relax when you are struggling with infertility?

Here I am again, I thought I was content with my decision of putting off the surgery but I'm having all sorts of mixed emotions right now =/ I feel like the longer I hold off on trying to conceive the worse off I will be in the end. If I don't have the surgery my RE won't allow me to have an IUI seeing how there really is no point since it would just kill the sperm or egg anyway. When I was at my last appt my DR had asked me if I just wanted to have both tubes removed that way I could jump right to IVF, I looked at her and said "absolutely not!, I believe in God and he does work miracles" I guess if I don't have surgery this month then I will be starting the endometriosis diet along with using the instead cups. It's starting to really feel a little overwhelming but I know that I can get through this like I have everything else in life. Some people getting irritated with me always talking about my infertility, well unless you have experienced what I have in the past 3 years then you have NO clue what it feels like. To those of you who say don't loose faith, don't give up...trust me I never loose faith, every month I always have that one ounce of faith that perhaps I will see 2 lines but once only 1 line pops up I feel defeated. I know one day it will happen, I just wish my one day were now! God is great!

And....it's on hold once again

I am very sad that I have to put my fertility treatments on hold once again. The reasoning this time around is my choice but believe I am making the right one. I have trying to find a good job in this area since I moved here and now finally a fantastic opportunity has come my way and it's been a tough decision on what to do. I know I only have a short period of time before my husband deploys again to go through treatments but I think I made the right choice. I've been really upset not knowing what to do and my husband being so dear and sweet says " hunny, maybe you should pray about it". I did, and believe that everything will fall into place! I think I am going to go on lupron until my husband is back from deployment, hoping that will help with the spread of my ENDO and by then I will have enough time at my job that they will allow me time off for the surgery. I sure hope I'm making the right decision, I know everything will work out in the end!! God is great!!!

Back on the road to having our miracle!

Well...I guess it's been awhile since I last posted a blog since my husband was deployed we decided to take a little break from treatments. I took those 6 months to better my self and in that time I lost 45 pounds which I feel so much better physically and mentally. During our last visit in December the Dr said that I am going to have to have my left tube removed due to it being filled with toxic fluid, I will be seeing him again to have another ultra sound to double check it and then it's surgery time. This will make my 3rd surgery, I'm nervous but I am willing to do whatever it takes to have our little bundle of joy. I have many uneducated people tell me "it will happen when you least expect it" or the most annoying on "RELAX" grrrrr how much more relaxed can I get?? This has been an ongoing struggle for 3 years now and it has been very stressful, frustrating and depressing to say the least. When I was first diagnosed with stage 4 endo I couldn't stand seeing pregnant people let alone be in the same room with them. I have since moved past that point in my life, I was never mad at them for being preg I just always questioned "why me"? I know realize that God is in control and he will one day bless us with our baby it's only a matter of time. I'm so ready to start treatments again, I'm ready to give this 110% and ready to see that line that says we are pregnant. I don't think I have ever wanted something so bad than having a child with my husband, I want to give him the best gift ever and that would be our own child together. We have 2 more go's with IUI then it's off to IVF =/ So I guess it's back to the calendar, counting CD and then the injections etc It's all worth it to me, God id great and he knows how bad we want this!

2011 just might be an awesome year after all

Cd? ummm I'm not counting anymore! I'm done counting the days, I'm done wondering if that little cramp I just had is a sign of pregnancy, I'm done running to the bathroom every 5 min to see if AF came to visit...I'M DONE!!! I refuse to let infertility stress me out any longer, it can really mess with one's mind, cause depression and total withdraw from the world around you. I can't say that it's any easier to see babies or people that are pregnant,  I am very happy for those who are pregnant or have their new addition...it's a blessing either way! My husband is the best! he has kept me sane through all of this and is the best little nurse after all my surgeries :) needless to say, I never felt any pain for days after the surgery haha. He tells me all the time " hunny, it will happen God has this in his plan for us" He's so amazing, I have never met someone so understanding and positive as him! I will take this time while he's deployed to better myself by loosing weight and meditating. I go see the Dr. soon for a follow up and to schedule an appt for surgery to have my left tube removed. The Dr says this may increase our chances for our next 2 IUI's *fingers crossed* I am so lucky to have others who understand infertility and the struggles you face everyday, they know what it's like to feel let down every time your cycle starts again it really hurts ugh. Sometimes I hear of people saying "why does she complain about this all the time" or they think they can't talk to me anymore because they are pregnant and think it will hurt my feelings. Of course I talk about my infertility a lot, it's a part of me and I feel like I have the right to talk about how I feel. I don't say anything when I hear you talking about your kids all the time! As for feeling bad for me because your pregnant...hunny please! I never envy anyone, God has a plan for everyone and if it means me not having another baby then that's his plan. I do not sit around and dwell on what others have, so please do me a favor and not feel bad for me! I do not post these to my facebook for attention or pity, I do it to let others know the struggle I go through and what to do when one deals with infertility. Thanks to everyone who supports us, you all are a true blessing!

Thank you Lord for all the blessings in my life. Help me to remember them as I face the challenges of infertility. I pray that I can surrender myself into your hands. Let me accept the reality of this situation and have the wisdom and courage to take action where I can. Strengthen my body, mind and spirit to endure the trials of infertility. Keep me ever mindful of the needs of others and grant us your peace.
Amen!    Gob Bless

Just one of those days

Well today is CD1 The IUI wasn't a success :( I have been asked, are you ok, how are you taking it? To be honest I really wasn't let down, I was actually expecting it to be negative. I know with all my problems that it was slim to none that I would become pregnant. My husband and I wanted this in the worst way and refuse to give up. We were going to do another round in Jan before he left but thought it was the best decision to have my surgery then do 2 more rounds once he gets home from deployment. Between now and the time he comes home I will work on loosing weight, getting my back fixed and having the surgery that way I am 100% healthy to start fresh. This has been a roller coaster ride, really messed with my head. I felt so moody throughout the 2ww and there were days where I was convinced that I was pregnant then other days where I wished my period would just come because I knew I wouldn't conceive. People say "you should be thankful for the one child you have" I am truly blessed to have my son, he was and is one of the best things that has ever happened to me. I have always wanted a big family and would also like for my husband to have children of his own, therefore I will not stop until we have our miracle! I would like to thank those who kept us in your thoughts and prayers, without the good lord through this I wouldn't have made it. I have solely relied on God, I knew even if it wasn't medically possibly I knew he could make it possible! I can't wait for the chance to try again, I am ready for this and it will happen...I just know it! Once again thanks to all, we really appreciate everything! I will keep everyone posted as to what our plans are in the future!

God bless

Getting really impatient :/

 

Well this is CD21  and 8 dpIUI . Since yesterday evening I have been testing Negative for the trigger shot, so glad that's out of my system! I guess from here on out if I'm feeling symptoms it's not from the shot :)) I'm still feeling very bloated, cramping, sticky dc, headaches I could go on and on. I know one thing through all this experience I have been sooooo moody haha my poor husband! I didn't mean to take it out on him but I guess no one else will put up with me haha. I will now start testing Tue until I get or don't get my period. I'm not so certain it happened this month, if not I am going to try my best to stay positive and just try again next month ugh then if nothing I will have a surgery in the summer to remove my left tube that is blocked with fluid. In the summer when my husband returns, we will then try one more time if nothing then it's off to IVF. This has been the hardest things I have ever had to deal with, it's so stressful and really messes with your mind :/ I'm staying strong and believing in the good lord! Thanks to all my wonderful family and freinds who offered their thoughts and prayers!

God Bless