Back on the road to having our miracle!

Well...I guess it's been awhile since I last posted a blog since my husband was deployed we decided to take a little break from treatments. I took those 6 months to better my self and in that time I lost 45 pounds which I feel so much better physically and mentally. During our last visit in December the Dr said that I am going to have to have my left tube removed due to it being filled with toxic fluid, I will be seeing him again to have another ultra sound to double check it and then it's surgery time. This will make my 3rd surgery, I'm nervous but I am willing to do whatever it takes to have our little bundle of joy. I have many uneducated people tell me "it will happen when you least expect it" or the most annoying on "RELAX" grrrrr how much more relaxed can I get?? This has been an ongoing struggle for 3 years now and it has been very stressful, frustrating and depressing to say the least. When I was first diagnosed with stage 4 endo I couldn't stand seeing pregnant people let alone be in the same room with them. I have since moved past that point in my life, I was never mad at them for being preg I just always questioned "why me"? I know realize that God is in control and he will one day bless us with our baby it's only a matter of time. I'm so ready to start treatments again, I'm ready to give this 110% and ready to see that line that says we are pregnant. I don't think I have ever wanted something so bad than having a child with my husband, I want to give him the best gift ever and that would be our own child together. We have 2 more go's with IUI then it's off to IVF =/ So I guess it's back to the calendar, counting CD and then the injections etc It's all worth it to me, God id great and he knows how bad we want this!

2011 just might be an awesome year after all

Cd? ummm I'm not counting anymore! I'm done counting the days, I'm done wondering if that little cramp I just had is a sign of pregnancy, I'm done running to the bathroom every 5 min to see if AF came to visit...I'M DONE!!! I refuse to let infertility stress me out any longer, it can really mess with one's mind, cause depression and total withdraw from the world around you. I can't say that it's any easier to see babies or people that are pregnant,  I am very happy for those who are pregnant or have their new addition...it's a blessing either way! My husband is the best! he has kept me sane through all of this and is the best little nurse after all my surgeries :) needless to say, I never felt any pain for days after the surgery haha. He tells me all the time " hunny, it will happen God has this in his plan for us" He's so amazing, I have never met someone so understanding and positive as him! I will take this time while he's deployed to better myself by loosing weight and meditating. I go see the Dr. soon for a follow up and to schedule an appt for surgery to have my left tube removed. The Dr says this may increase our chances for our next 2 IUI's *fingers crossed* I am so lucky to have others who understand infertility and the struggles you face everyday, they know what it's like to feel let down every time your cycle starts again it really hurts ugh. Sometimes I hear of people saying "why does she complain about this all the time" or they think they can't talk to me anymore because they are pregnant and think it will hurt my feelings. Of course I talk about my infertility a lot, it's a part of me and I feel like I have the right to talk about how I feel. I don't say anything when I hear you talking about your kids all the time! As for feeling bad for me because your pregnant...hunny please! I never envy anyone, God has a plan for everyone and if it means me not having another baby then that's his plan. I do not sit around and dwell on what others have, so please do me a favor and not feel bad for me! I do not post these to my facebook for attention or pity, I do it to let others know the struggle I go through and what to do when one deals with infertility. Thanks to everyone who supports us, you all are a true blessing!

Thank you Lord for all the blessings in my life. Help me to remember them as I face the challenges of infertility. I pray that I can surrender myself into your hands. Let me accept the reality of this situation and have the wisdom and courage to take action where I can. Strengthen my body, mind and spirit to endure the trials of infertility. Keep me ever mindful of the needs of others and grant us your peace.
Amen!    Gob Bless

Just one of those days

Well today is CD1 The IUI wasn't a success :( I have been asked, are you ok, how are you taking it? To be honest I really wasn't let down, I was actually expecting it to be negative. I know with all my problems that it was slim to none that I would become pregnant. My husband and I wanted this in the worst way and refuse to give up. We were going to do another round in Jan before he left but thought it was the best decision to have my surgery then do 2 more rounds once he gets home from deployment. Between now and the time he comes home I will work on loosing weight, getting my back fixed and having the surgery that way I am 100% healthy to start fresh. This has been a roller coaster ride, really messed with my head. I felt so moody throughout the 2ww and there were days where I was convinced that I was pregnant then other days where I wished my period would just come because I knew I wouldn't conceive. People say "you should be thankful for the one child you have" I am truly blessed to have my son, he was and is one of the best things that has ever happened to me. I have always wanted a big family and would also like for my husband to have children of his own, therefore I will not stop until we have our miracle! I would like to thank those who kept us in your thoughts and prayers, without the good lord through this I wouldn't have made it. I have solely relied on God, I knew even if it wasn't medically possibly I knew he could make it possible! I can't wait for the chance to try again, I am ready for this and it will happen...I just know it! Once again thanks to all, we really appreciate everything! I will keep everyone posted as to what our plans are in the future!

God bless

Getting really impatient :/

 

Well this is CD21  and 8 dpIUI . Since yesterday evening I have been testing Negative for the trigger shot, so glad that's out of my system! I guess from here on out if I'm feeling symptoms it's not from the shot :)) I'm still feeling very bloated, cramping, sticky dc, headaches I could go on and on. I know one thing through all this experience I have been sooooo moody haha my poor husband! I didn't mean to take it out on him but I guess no one else will put up with me haha. I will now start testing Tue until I get or don't get my period. I'm not so certain it happened this month, if not I am going to try my best to stay positive and just try again next month ugh then if nothing I will have a surgery in the summer to remove my left tube that is blocked with fluid. In the summer when my husband returns, we will then try one more time if nothing then it's off to IVF. This has been the hardest things I have ever had to deal with, it's so stressful and really messes with your mind :/ I'm staying strong and believing in the good lord! Thanks to all my wonderful family and freinds who offered their thoughts and prayers!

God Bless

Follicles are looking good!

Well today has been a little stressful to say the least! CD12, went in for an ultrasound to see how many and how big my follicles are. I have several follicles but only 3 that measured big enough :/ (I guess that's better than none) I was given a trigger shot (HCG) which will induce ovulation, and was told that I will experience pregnancy like symptoms. I was thinking Ohhh dear gussy, not only is the 2ww going to kill me but on top of that I have pregnancy symptoms which could be just from the shot. I came home from the dr and I think I had a small meltdown, I am becoming very irritated with little things, my headaches and feeling sick are still present. We go tomorrow morning for my husband to give a sample of his "boys" as he calls them lol they will be washed and only the best selected. I will then have to take them to the hospital and was told to put them between my Breast....they will definitely keep warm there haha Once at the hospital they will perform the procedure (IUI), which I was told it shouldn't be to painful. From there it will be the awful 2ww, every symptom I have I will probably think I'm pregnant, but won't get my hopes up since my chances aren't the greatest. We are traveling home to be with family and friends and I'm hoping that will keep my mind off wondering if I'm pregnant. Throughout this whole process and the 2 years we have been trying I have kept it in the lords hands. I always have my doubts and there have been times when I just want to throw my hands in the air and say "I give up" I refuse to do that! I know the good lord has a plan to give us our miracle, it's just a matter of time. He knows we are ready, he knows we will be excellent parents and will love him/her unconditionally! I want to thank everyone who has offered their thoughts and prayers, we wouldn't be able to do this without you all.

God bless

Feeling a little irritated today

Today is CD9 and I think I may be feeling more side effects :/ For several days now I have been feeling my ovaries working very hard, Hoping for some good news come wed when I have my ultrasound! Not sure why, today I am feeling very irritable little things are getting under my skin grrr I am starting to have those good ol hot flashes I was warned about, I thought it was hot it my house but after I looked at the thermostat I think it's just me haha These prenatal are also taking a toll on my stomach ugh I feel so bloated :( I also believe I am gaining weight noooooooo it can't be...but it's true, sadly enough. Not to much longer and my DH will be home, I'm so excited...I just hope my irritability is gone by then for his sake lol. This is my last night for clomid, praying they did the job *fingers crossed*

God Bless