Another let down, another feeling of failure

Well, it's cycle day 3 today. I obviously didn't become pregnant last cycle, I tried everything under the sun and still got a negative test. For some reason this past cycle I thought for sure I conceived , I thought I had every symptom of pregnancy but in the end dear ol aunt flow came to visit. Now we won't be able to try again until jan, I am having another surgery dec 2nd where they are going to remove my left tube and clean out all the endometriosis. In jan we are going to do another round of clomid and IUI, praying it works this time! As hard is it is to think that we can't try again before surgery it's sort of nice to be able to just relax and not worrying about doing the BD at time of surge...it really does feel like having a second job when you struggle with infertility. There is so much involved, takes so much time planning and is emotionally draining. I will have this month to relax, gather my thoughts and be prepared for our round of IUI in Jan. pleases keep us in you prayers, we want this more than anything!


God bless

Almost time to start trying...AGAIN!!

Here we are again, CD10 almost time to start OPK's. Last month things were a little weird, I was feeling really different during my 2ww period. Aunt flow was a few days but we were back home in PA that I never thought to test. One morning I woke up with pain and cramps that I have never had with my period which lasted a few hours, suddenly I passed this mass then I finally had relief! I'm not sure if it was a miscarriage but it did feel similar to the one I had before :( Needless to say, here I am again trying all the tricks and tips I have received from other ladies TTC. I have been using the instead cups, Robitussin, pineapple and now this month I am adding the Pre-seed! From the first day I found out I was having trouble conceiving my husband and I decided that we would not let this affect out marriage. I am now feeling so very bad that I am not able to give him his very own child, it's becoming very stressful but we are working through it and he tells me that no matter what he will always love me! It's so hard to believe that my son will be 11 in  19 days ahhhhhhh where did the time go?! It feels like just yesterday that I was getting up for feedings, changing those diapers and just seeing/hearing his laugh made my heart smile! I will never give up hope of having another baby but if it doesn't happen I will always have my amazing son whom is my life, he will always be my little baby in my eyes! Sunday is the day to start trying again, I'm pretty excited...I am going to have positive thoughts this entire month (even when I feel like giving up)! So we shall see if this is our month **fingers crossed** and prayers!


Mommy in waiting!

It's that time of month....again

Here I am again, the point where I am ovulating, where I get my hopes up time and time again only to be let down when dear old aunt flow decides to show her ugly face! I sometimes find myself asking "what did I do wrong to deserve to not bear anymore of my own children"? I know God doesn't punish people but I just don't understand why sometimes =/ At this current time we are not doing treatments until after my surgery in Dec so I am solely relying on timing and trying some home "remedies". I thought for sure last month was going to be the month but of course it wasn't my time. About a week ago I think I was tested emotionally. I was on the mother baby unit at work and the minute I walked through the door I found myself short of breath and not sure I could take another step. I managed to walk up to the window on the way through the unit and looked in at the most precious little baby, she was just a few minutes old looking so sweet. I wanted to break down and cry but I kept my composure the entire time and told myself "Christina, you can't ever give up!" I know in my heart that it will happen, I just wish I knew when so I can stop having heart break after heart break every month. I want so bad to give my husband his very own bundle of joy, I want so bad to share that amazing gift from God with the man that I love so much! I know one day it will happen, I just wish that day was now :'(  

Can you really relax when you are struggling with infertility?

Here I am again, I thought I was content with my decision of putting off the surgery but I'm having all sorts of mixed emotions right now =/ I feel like the longer I hold off on trying to conceive the worse off I will be in the end. If I don't have the surgery my RE won't allow me to have an IUI seeing how there really is no point since it would just kill the sperm or egg anyway. When I was at my last appt my DR had asked me if I just wanted to have both tubes removed that way I could jump right to IVF, I looked at her and said "absolutely not!, I believe in God and he does work miracles" I guess if I don't have surgery this month then I will be starting the endometriosis diet along with using the instead cups. It's starting to really feel a little overwhelming but I know that I can get through this like I have everything else in life. Some people getting irritated with me always talking about my infertility, well unless you have experienced what I have in the past 3 years then you have NO clue what it feels like. To those of you who say don't loose faith, don't give up...trust me I never loose faith, every month I always have that one ounce of faith that perhaps I will see 2 lines but once only 1 line pops up I feel defeated. I know one day it will happen, I just wish my one day were now! God is great!

And....it's on hold once again

I am very sad that I have to put my fertility treatments on hold once again. The reasoning this time around is my choice but believe I am making the right one. I have trying to find a good job in this area since I moved here and now finally a fantastic opportunity has come my way and it's been a tough decision on what to do. I know I only have a short period of time before my husband deploys again to go through treatments but I think I made the right choice. I've been really upset not knowing what to do and my husband being so dear and sweet says " hunny, maybe you should pray about it". I did, and believe that everything will fall into place! I think I am going to go on lupron until my husband is back from deployment, hoping that will help with the spread of my ENDO and by then I will have enough time at my job that they will allow me time off for the surgery. I sure hope I'm making the right decision, I know everything will work out in the end!! God is great!!!

Back on the road to having our miracle!

Well...I guess it's been awhile since I last posted a blog since my husband was deployed we decided to take a little break from treatments. I took those 6 months to better my self and in that time I lost 45 pounds which I feel so much better physically and mentally. During our last visit in December the Dr said that I am going to have to have my left tube removed due to it being filled with toxic fluid, I will be seeing him again to have another ultra sound to double check it and then it's surgery time. This will make my 3rd surgery, I'm nervous but I am willing to do whatever it takes to have our little bundle of joy. I have many uneducated people tell me "it will happen when you least expect it" or the most annoying on "RELAX" grrrrr how much more relaxed can I get?? This has been an ongoing struggle for 3 years now and it has been very stressful, frustrating and depressing to say the least. When I was first diagnosed with stage 4 endo I couldn't stand seeing pregnant people let alone be in the same room with them. I have since moved past that point in my life, I was never mad at them for being preg I just always questioned "why me"? I know realize that God is in control and he will one day bless us with our baby it's only a matter of time. I'm so ready to start treatments again, I'm ready to give this 110% and ready to see that line that says we are pregnant. I don't think I have ever wanted something so bad than having a child with my husband, I want to give him the best gift ever and that would be our own child together. We have 2 more go's with IUI then it's off to IVF =/ So I guess it's back to the calendar, counting CD and then the injections etc It's all worth it to me, God id great and he knows how bad we want this!

2011 just might be an awesome year after all

Cd? ummm I'm not counting anymore! I'm done counting the days, I'm done wondering if that little cramp I just had is a sign of pregnancy, I'm done running to the bathroom every 5 min to see if AF came to visit...I'M DONE!!! I refuse to let infertility stress me out any longer, it can really mess with one's mind, cause depression and total withdraw from the world around you. I can't say that it's any easier to see babies or people that are pregnant,  I am very happy for those who are pregnant or have their new addition...it's a blessing either way! My husband is the best! he has kept me sane through all of this and is the best little nurse after all my surgeries :) needless to say, I never felt any pain for days after the surgery haha. He tells me all the time " hunny, it will happen God has this in his plan for us" He's so amazing, I have never met someone so understanding and positive as him! I will take this time while he's deployed to better myself by loosing weight and meditating. I go see the Dr. soon for a follow up and to schedule an appt for surgery to have my left tube removed. The Dr says this may increase our chances for our next 2 IUI's *fingers crossed* I am so lucky to have others who understand infertility and the struggles you face everyday, they know what it's like to feel let down every time your cycle starts again it really hurts ugh. Sometimes I hear of people saying "why does she complain about this all the time" or they think they can't talk to me anymore because they are pregnant and think it will hurt my feelings. Of course I talk about my infertility a lot, it's a part of me and I feel like I have the right to talk about how I feel. I don't say anything when I hear you talking about your kids all the time! As for feeling bad for me because your pregnant...hunny please! I never envy anyone, God has a plan for everyone and if it means me not having another baby then that's his plan. I do not sit around and dwell on what others have, so please do me a favor and not feel bad for me! I do not post these to my facebook for attention or pity, I do it to let others know the struggle I go through and what to do when one deals with infertility. Thanks to everyone who supports us, you all are a true blessing!

Thank you Lord for all the blessings in my life. Help me to remember them as I face the challenges of infertility. I pray that I can surrender myself into your hands. Let me accept the reality of this situation and have the wisdom and courage to take action where I can. Strengthen my body, mind and spirit to endure the trials of infertility. Keep me ever mindful of the needs of others and grant us your peace.
Amen!    Gob Bless

Just one of those days

Well today is CD1 The IUI wasn't a success :( I have been asked, are you ok, how are you taking it? To be honest I really wasn't let down, I was actually expecting it to be negative. I know with all my problems that it was slim to none that I would become pregnant. My husband and I wanted this in the worst way and refuse to give up. We were going to do another round in Jan before he left but thought it was the best decision to have my surgery then do 2 more rounds once he gets home from deployment. Between now and the time he comes home I will work on loosing weight, getting my back fixed and having the surgery that way I am 100% healthy to start fresh. This has been a roller coaster ride, really messed with my head. I felt so moody throughout the 2ww and there were days where I was convinced that I was pregnant then other days where I wished my period would just come because I knew I wouldn't conceive. People say "you should be thankful for the one child you have" I am truly blessed to have my son, he was and is one of the best things that has ever happened to me. I have always wanted a big family and would also like for my husband to have children of his own, therefore I will not stop until we have our miracle! I would like to thank those who kept us in your thoughts and prayers, without the good lord through this I wouldn't have made it. I have solely relied on God, I knew even if it wasn't medically possibly I knew he could make it possible! I can't wait for the chance to try again, I am ready for this and it will happen...I just know it! Once again thanks to all, we really appreciate everything! I will keep everyone posted as to what our plans are in the future!

God bless

Getting really impatient :/

 

Well this is CD21  and 8 dpIUI . Since yesterday evening I have been testing Negative for the trigger shot, so glad that's out of my system! I guess from here on out if I'm feeling symptoms it's not from the shot :)) I'm still feeling very bloated, cramping, sticky dc, headaches I could go on and on. I know one thing through all this experience I have been sooooo moody haha my poor husband! I didn't mean to take it out on him but I guess no one else will put up with me haha. I will now start testing Tue until I get or don't get my period. I'm not so certain it happened this month, if not I am going to try my best to stay positive and just try again next month ugh then if nothing I will have a surgery in the summer to remove my left tube that is blocked with fluid. In the summer when my husband returns, we will then try one more time if nothing then it's off to IVF. This has been the hardest things I have ever had to deal with, it's so stressful and really messes with your mind :/ I'm staying strong and believing in the good lord! Thanks to all my wonderful family and freinds who offered their thoughts and prayers!

God Bless

Follicles are looking good!

Well today has been a little stressful to say the least! CD12, went in for an ultrasound to see how many and how big my follicles are. I have several follicles but only 3 that measured big enough :/ (I guess that's better than none) I was given a trigger shot (HCG) which will induce ovulation, and was told that I will experience pregnancy like symptoms. I was thinking Ohhh dear gussy, not only is the 2ww going to kill me but on top of that I have pregnancy symptoms which could be just from the shot. I came home from the dr and I think I had a small meltdown, I am becoming very irritated with little things, my headaches and feeling sick are still present. We go tomorrow morning for my husband to give a sample of his "boys" as he calls them lol they will be washed and only the best selected. I will then have to take them to the hospital and was told to put them between my Breast....they will definitely keep warm there haha Once at the hospital they will perform the procedure (IUI), which I was told it shouldn't be to painful. From there it will be the awful 2ww, every symptom I have I will probably think I'm pregnant, but won't get my hopes up since my chances aren't the greatest. We are traveling home to be with family and friends and I'm hoping that will keep my mind off wondering if I'm pregnant. Throughout this whole process and the 2 years we have been trying I have kept it in the lords hands. I always have my doubts and there have been times when I just want to throw my hands in the air and say "I give up" I refuse to do that! I know the good lord has a plan to give us our miracle, it's just a matter of time. He knows we are ready, he knows we will be excellent parents and will love him/her unconditionally! I want to thank everyone who has offered their thoughts and prayers, we wouldn't be able to do this without you all.

God bless

Feeling a little irritated today

Today is CD9 and I think I may be feeling more side effects :/ For several days now I have been feeling my ovaries working very hard, Hoping for some good news come wed when I have my ultrasound! Not sure why, today I am feeling very irritable little things are getting under my skin grrr I am starting to have those good ol hot flashes I was warned about, I thought it was hot it my house but after I looked at the thermostat I think it's just me haha These prenatal are also taking a toll on my stomach ugh I feel so bloated :( I also believe I am gaining weight noooooooo it can't be...but it's true, sadly enough. Not to much longer and my DH will be home, I'm so excited...I just hope my irritability is gone by then for his sake lol. This is my last night for clomid, praying they did the job *fingers crossed*

God Bless

I think my ovaries are working overtime!

Here we are CD7 and I am feeling this clomid going to work haha I haven't had any terrible side effects, headaches and feeling nauseous are the only 2 complaints I have. I know all the worry, side effects and heartache are all worth the end result! I have been feeling my ovaries working really hard today lol I have some mild cramping but but nothing I'm not used to, I mean I gave birth before, I can handle anything! I go in for an ultrasound in 5 days, praying for good follicles **fingers crossed"


God bless

Starting Clomid tonight

Today is the day!! I start my clmoid tonight! I am hoping for the best and praying for this to work so that we can be blessed with our little miracle. I woke up ready to take on the day, got lots accomplished even a trip to the commissary ugh. I wanted to get the most of my list done before I started this med, not knowing how bad the side effects are going to be. I heard many but 3 that I worry most about are, blurred vision, feeling nauseated and cyst forming. I am alone for several more days and to have blurred vision wouldn't be good! Overall I just hate feeling sick, but I guess I should get used to it since that's a major side effect of pregnancy :) The worry of cyst forming is another major concern because I am prone to ovarian cyst, it becomes very painful for me and almost always lands me in the ER :/ So...I'm praying for the best result! I'm off to take a hot bath, I take my first dose in 45 min :) wish me luck!

God Bless

Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all."
-- Dale Carnegie

Cycle day 4 :)

Well, today is cycle day 4 eekkk I start the clomid tomorrow! I have been emotionally alright up until today ughhhh not sure why I am so mixed of emotions today. As tomorrow approaches I am becoming nervous lol have no clue why :/ I think it's because I hear so many horror stories about clomid, one being "clomid-icide" haha that's so not funny. I am becoming certain that some people don't think before they start giving advice to a woman who is infertile. I've been hearing "it will happen when you least expect it" "your trying to hard"  grrr now come on already, I'm not new at this you know! I know it's only been 2 years, but that is 2 years of heartache that I have felt... not you.!  Why oh why do I want to cry again lol this is driving me nuts!! I think I may just stay off facebook for the duration of my clomid cycle :)

God bless

“I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination.”
Jimmy Dean

What a day it was!

Well today has been good other than having  a bit of a scare :/ other than that I have been trying to stay busy since my husband is gone. Still feeling crappy and in terrible pain today. Had to contact my dr about a situation that happened and I'm to follow up on mon before I start my clmoid on tue. It's really tough going through all this alone :( Hoping for good news mon so that I can start my meds, I'm ready for this to all be over and have out little miracle in our hands. This has been a tough 2 years and I'm sure the good lord is going to bless us soon, I'm going to be patient and let god do his job. I think a hot shower and a good movie is in my near future. Off to relax hoping this pain goes away very soon, it really feels like sharks are attcking my uterus haha. Tomorrow has got to be better **fingers crossed**   God Bless

Day 1 of my cycle

Well, today is day 1 of my cycle! I start taking my clomid on the 7th I'm really nervous. I'm just praying that my husband will be back from his underway in time to be with be during the IUI. I'm feeling much much better than yesterday, I think I had a emotional meltdown but totally feeling better! It's hard not having my husband here to help me through the emotional days but I guess e-mails are better than nothing. So from here on out I will be blogging about my cycle, not only for myself but for others that may be going through the same thing. Best wishes and baby dust to all :)

Having a blahhh kind of day!

Well...as my title above shows I'm having a terrible day! This is my first post so I will share a little about my journey with infertility. In 2000 I conceived and had my first child, healthy baby boy weighing 8lbs 1/2 oz light of my life! My relationship with his father didn't last so I never wanted anymore children until I knew I was going to be HAPPILY married. After getting married my husband and I decided to start trying for a baby. Every month we would try and try and try after a year of trying nothing :( We then started seeing an obgyn since you have to be trying for a year before you are considered to "infertility" issues. It all started one night that I started having extreme pain, like bend over pain. My husband rushed me to the ER. It was a ruptured ovarian cyst. That lead to another appt to see if there were any other cyst's, little did I know I was about to get a big surprise after having an ultrasound and HSG done. On my right side I had a dermoid cyst and the left side my tube was blocked. I was told that I should have laproscopic surgery to explore and try to remove that cyst. After the surgery I was told that I have stage 4 endometriosis with a blocked left tube. We then tried for 6 months and nothing happend, we then got referred to an actual reproductive endocrinologist. They also wanted to preform surgery in which they hollowed out the dermoid  cyst and clean out most of the endo. Our fertility process eneded there because soon after my husband left for the military. We just got settled in our new home in June of this year and are now going through the fertility process once again but thanks to the military we are able to do more since it's provided to us cost free. I am now cyst free but my left tube is now filled with fluid, which I will eventually have to have it removed. I start my first cycle of IUI and clomid this month, really nervous because I heard some horror stories about clomid ugh but I am willing to give it a try. We are having some of my husbands sperm frozen that way while he is deployed I can do another 2 cycles while he is away, if this doesnt work then hopefully we will go the IVF route. I never thought in a million years that I would have trouble getting pregnant, I can honestly say that it is by far the hardest thing I have ever endured! I have my days, today being one of them where I just sit on the couch and cry. It seems as if everyone around me is getting pregnant, I'm not upset about that and I'm so happy for them but I am dying inside. I know we have an IUI this month but I feel less of a woman not being able to do it on our own. I'm so tired of hearing people say " just relax, it will happen" or "your trying to hard" now which is it?? People that have not walked a mile on my shoes need not judge more nor give me advice! I find it so hard trying to find someone to talk to and that understands. My poor husband says "hunny, why are you so upset over this...it will happen"  god love him but he doesn't understand a bit what I'm going through. Im really nervous about my first cycle of IUI and clomid. Whoever I talk to please be aware that I may just bite your head off lol my husband sure is lucky he's going to be out to sea haha. I'm trusting in the good lord and putting this all in his hands praying he gives us our little miracle!